LOL!! Yes, I actually do this!!

I laugh a lot. I love that I laugh a lot. I see the funny side of a lot of things in this world and I can tell you that this approach has saved my sanity on many an occasion. It's like my humour becomes a kind, loving, giggle-pot of a friend and lifts me up when I am heading towards that yukky darkness. And so, yes I do LOL. When I type it, I'm actually laughing out loud. (Ooooh, such a rebel!! :P)

So, want to see some things that made me LOL? Here they are...

Heeheehee. You've got to laugh at this. Peugeot - it's french for GIANT LIZARD!!

I'm an environmentalist, so this is right up my wind farm.

Mmmm, coffee. It's my corporate drug of choice.

Who thinks up these things?! I love this. Very funny. There's also a music score called Prelude du Fornication, which has all the music notes in various "positions".

...and of course, if this picture didn't have the hulk's name on it I wouldn't have recognised him with the glasses on.

 Aussies are cheeky buggers.

The guy who did this drawing did a series of them. But I can't remember his name! I do find cool things at the Colossal blog: http://www.thisiscolossal.com/ Amazing, inspiring stuff. Maybe it was there?

This is the Weevil Factor. 

And finally, the escape key taken literally. Love this one. When I'm at work, grinding away, this key is my proverbial Eject Button.

So, LOL every day. Find humour in more things, don't worry what others think - they're probably boring, bland or judgemental people and you don't need them in your life.

 Cheers. Dayle

The rawness of it all ....

Hey there.

Recently a person close to me told me that I had been upsetting them in a number of ways. They revealed this only after I noticed that they were clearly reducing contact with me and conversations were getting thinner, cooler. So asked them if I had done something wrong - I was not prepared at all for the response I got.

I won't go into details, but to sum it all up I had been judgemental, interfering, comparing myself to them, not supportive, and my moving so far away from them hurt them. It was a big, harsh, slap in the face for me to know I had caused that much grief. So why would this person want to continue to be friends with me after all I've done to them? To be honest, I'm not sure. But I know that right now I am not feeling like I've received the 'greater message' from this experience. I feel more than ever very angry with myself for being.... well, myself.

I am constantly at war with who I am. This is due to a 'delightful' combination of the following:

• Generalised Anxiety Disorder
• Depression
• A strong sense of humour
• Vibrant extroversion
• Being a sensitive soul
• Intelligence, and
• Poor verbal brakes, or 'foot-in-mouth disease'.

The last one means I often say the wrong thing - perceived or actual - and spend a nice little chunk of my life in damage control, worrying about what I may have done, what I did do, and whether I have blown the friendship with the person.

If only I got exercise from all the ducking and weaving I do in my life, I'd be buff as can be! But seriously, if only I could get a stronger grip of my social reins and be able to just enjoy myself when in the company of friends. After all, they matter to me, so why should I hurt them? Is unintentional a good enough excuse?

How do I toughen up? You know, I bought a cheap cowboy hat a few months ago, nick named it 'Gusto the Great' and vowed to wear it a lot, to give me social confidence. I've never worn it outside of the house, because I have never felt worthy of it or that it might give me too much gusto and I say the wrong thing!! Silly, huh.

So I'm working on my toughness, rein pulling, and social graces ....and juggling saucepans, and tap-dancing one legged, and speaking Swahili backwards, and balancing an ice-cream on my nose, and building a dog trapeze, and....... (heehee!!!)

Dentinia the Evil Tooth Fairy

Hey there.

I wrote this fractured fairytale for my work's Christmas party. There were all sorts of great costumes for this theme, such as "S&M" Queens, cross dressing Snow Whites, punk smurfs, and "Malices in Wonderland". Great fun. Here's a piccie of me and hubby all dressed up for the party. He's a Fairy Godfather, of course....



And here's the story I wrote for the fairytale competition. Enjoy!

Dentinia the Evil Tooth Fairy

"Dentinia was once a sweet, innocent tooth fairy, flying around, collecting baby teeth from little darlings and leaving behind gold coins, gift certificates, and pre-paid mobile phone credit vouchers. Then one day, the service was privatised and expanded into a wholesaler of teeth who sold them for authentic looking dentures, ground calcium for vitamin pills, and the small rattling sound in cheap plastic toys.

So with 90% overseas ownership, budget cuts (including the coffee. WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!), a company board full of stuffy ex-private school knobs, and shareholders moonlighting as grey nomads, pressure to meet daily targets pushed Dentinia over the edge!! Dentinia snapped like a loose tooth in a toffee apple. For a while drinking and gambling took the pain away. Yeahhhhh!! Clocking off at 4am she'd head to the 24 hour pokies venue, have a midori, soda and green tea (a fairy cocktail known as "Fairy's Wee") and assume the 'pokie zombie' pose.

And if management's tightarse approach to "fairy resources" wasn't enough to drive the poor fairies to stealing single socks out of washing machines and driers, the kids these days were getting cheeky. One little girl woke up, saw Dentinia and demanded more money than that "shitty dollar you think will actually buy something these days". The brat went on to say her Dad's a dentist and he earns lots of money. She knows what teeth are worth, blah blah, whine whine. So, after torturing the girl by threatening to dismember Justin Bieber until she promised to take the dollar coin and go the **** to sleep, Dentinia was hit with the perfect plan. Why stop at baby teeth. Why not diversify and set up a little side affair for herself. GOLD TEETH.

Unlike the other pooncy fairies, who often got knocked and bruised by pedestal fans, flying Wii remotes, and random farts from overstuffed humans, Dentinia was tough. She had an extensive tool collection and she knew how to use it: Dental equipment (for HORSES!), angle grinders and mega-drills, spring loaded g-clamps for 'difficult clients', pliers of all shapes and sizes, and an industrial supply of Novocaine Forte. And not only that, she realised she had an acute sense of smell that could detect the odour of gold reacting with halitosis from a mile away, turning her into a salivating, twitching wreck: she had become an aurophile. Addicted to gold, Gold, GOLD!!!!!!

At first she would target people who slept with their mouths open especially, because their snoring provided the perfect cover for Dentinia's angle grinder to loosen that precious gold tooth. But since she'd developed a three ounce a day gold habit (snorted, smoked, rolled, injected, suppositories, cooked in brownies - you name it...), she needed MORE!!

No one is safe from the voracious gold fever that has possessed this once adorable petal of a fairy. She's gone mad with lust for a precious metal and will stop at nothing, NOTHING to satisfy her hunger. So, watch out. Dentinia's gonna getcha!!! MWUHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! (Tell that one to yer kids, I dare ya!!)"

Festive cheers to you all!!
Lotsa love,
Dayle

Hello dear readers. Recently I received an email asking me to send a letter to future inhabitants of this beautiful planet of ours. The following is what I wrote, very much from my heart.

Dear future generations.

I really hope you have learned to value those things around you that you do not directly benefit from or 'own'. I also hope you have learned that a duty of care to the environment and its inhabitants of all kinds is more important than your accumulation of wealth and material items. That basic needs, such as good health, clean drinking water, clean air, sufficient shelter, subsistent & dependable food sources, and a sense of basic comfort, security and warmth are the only things you truly need in this world. Everything else is a gift from the earth that you are not entitled to: but if the earth allows you to have it, then you should treasure it greatly, rather than dispose of it indiscriminately, or extract it from the planet whenever or however you feel like. Think beyond your own self to those things that cannot speak for themselves and consider them as more significant and worth preserving than your own life. And the earth will thank you by simply being its wonderful, generous and intriguing self.

And I will thank you too.
For eternity.
Dayle Morrison

It is tough to strike a balance in today's society between our wants and our needs when there is so much out there to take in, sort through, and decide upon. We are bombarded, and we all make choices that harm the planet, myself included. Despite the directness of my letter, I know that many people are doing so much to help the planet from deteriorating at the hands of humans. But there is more we can do. Challenge our addiction to convenience: wanting things now, not wanting to go without, and disposable items. Challenge those businesses and community or national leaders who do not show respect for the environment. Speak up to affect change. Challenge the reasons why such inequity in this world persists.

Inequity and poverty are perceived to be one of the greatest hurdles to achieving environmental sustainability, yet there is such obscene wealth in this world. That those two can co-exist shows an unfortunate side of human nature. The haves, and the have nots - and never the twain shall meet.

A simple line from a song in the musical 'Les Miserables' keeps playing in my head, particularly with so much uprising from the people of this planet against self serving controllers of power and information: "Can you hear the people sing, singing the songs of angry men..." We are singing, more and more loudly, more strongly and passionately, and with more concrete facts to support both claims of environmental destruction, and proof that renewable and sustainable alternatives do work.

So please, consider resilience, resourcefulness, persistence, and community spirit your closest allies. Keep up the hope and determination. And never lose sight of the simple things this planet provides for us.

With love,
Dayle

Goodbye Womb!!

Dear souls of cyberspace :-)

Recently a dear friend of mine had a hysterectomy. Just the womb. So, another friend and I decided to have a womb party for her. Give it a good send off. There was cake and lollies, coffee and LOTS of giggles. I decided to go a step further and get creative. Here's a picture of the card I created for her:

My friend decided to have her womb removed because it causes her too much pain and distress. A big decision to make, and not made lightly I assure you, so it was really the last resort for my friend who suffers enough from other conditions without this compounding things. To add to my little bit of art I also wrote a poem . I wanted my friend to celebrate the lighter side of her situation, to laugh and affirm that what she was doing, albeit a hard decision, was the right one for her. Here it is:

My dear friend loved them both! I'm quite chuffed. She's such a gorgeous person and deserves as much happiness as she can get, after being on quite a rough road through her life.

And, of course, a party's not a womb party unless you have a WOMB CAKE!!!

Couldn't help myself here. Bit of fun. So, my dear friend cut the cake and we all feasted and laughed really hard. Such great fun. She's still in hospital but recovering quite well despite being very sore. Luckily they could do the operation in the 'simplest' way and didn't have to cut her open. I'm really proud of my friend in that she made a really hard decision that is going to change her life for the better. Good on her!

Lots of love
Dayle

No bells no whistles...

Something that has fascinated me for quite some time is how strange we can look to ourselves in photos. We are often our harshest critics when it comes to looking good or not in photos. Our insecurities come flooding in like our sense of self depends, more than it should, on how we look to others. I guess it can depend on our 'social status' too. Whether we're doing our best to be as attractive as possible to others whilst we search for a partner, or whether it's our wedding day and the photo will be virtually immortalized amongst friends and family!

So, to buck this trend, and to be a little 'cathartic' by confronting myself with, well, myself, I've decided to post some not so great photos of me here. Yep, warts and all. I'm going to shed my self consciousness here and now. Okay here goes:

Me on the couch, crocheting. Phew, that wasn't so hard. This is a good start and I feel okay about this. You know what is good about this exercise? I have a terrible habit of depending on the opinions of others to determine my sense of self worth, so freeing myself up like this ,and exposing the cracks, bumps and bruises in my 'social armour', is proving good for me. Okay next photo....

You know what. I just stopped myself from uploading a photo because I thought it was just too ugly! So, now I'm going to make myself do it. Grrrrr. Attack!! heheheh.....


Okay, it's done. From Dad's birthday last year. I'm feeling a little bolder. I might just post a drawing of me now that I have hated for a long time. An old boyfriend drew it when I was about 18 - Mum's kept it all this time, but I think it's horrid. The only reason I have a photo of the picture is because I used it in Keri Smith's 'Wreck this Journal' on the page where you add an ugly picture. So, here it is, in all its hideousness:


Okay, I'm going okay here. This is a good process to go through. Facing my insecurities head on!

This last picture is beautiful. And it's beautiful because I'm in it. It's also beautiful because so is my darling Nanna who I adore and we're standing together, arms around each other, posing happily. THIS is what pictures are about. Not about what we look like, but about the capture of a moment that won't be round again, the capture of people who won't be around forever, and the creation of a treasure that will always remind me of how close and loving my family is....


This post has been really cathartic for me, much moreso than I thought it would have been. I'm now choking back tears and feeling really blessed that I am able to take photos of myself with my family, to keep us close in affection and sentiment when we're located so far from each other these days. Nanna I love you. This picture brings me such joy and pride, which is so far beyond anything I was feeling at the start of writing this post.

With love from beneath my 'armour',

Dayle

Today I thought I might share a little story with you, which might help you see a lighter side to things that happen in your life that go beyond a simple upset. The disturbing things in life that can leave us feeling unsafe or vulnerable...

When I was in my teens, my parents discovered unexplained footprints outside their bedroom window. They raked it over & avoided it and the footprints reappeared. So, my adorable Step-Dad set up camp one night just round the corner from that window and waited.... Sure enough in through the garden creeps our neighbour, Ted. My Step-Dad waited for a bit then charged around the corner, large torch blaring, yelling "WADDA YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!???" Well, Ted freaked out and tried to run up our driveway which was gravel. He spun a few times, made it out onto the street where my Step-Dad threw the torch and got the perv right in the back. He was reported to the police and it never happened again. Anyway, the punchline to the story is this limerick which my Step-Dad wrote afterwards:

There was a young fella named Ted,

Who listened to people in bed,

One day at the blind,

He was caught from behind,

By a torch that was aimed at his head!

So, sometimes humour can be a great way to diffuse the intensity of how a situation made you feel. It can help to heal and bring you back from the fear to a place where you regain your personal strength, and it can reduce the perpetrator from any position of power over you to one of lowly pity and sharp dismissal of their impact on you.

So, I hope you find some solace (and a bit of a laugh) from my post.

Cheers

Dayle

Arty Therapy ....

Heya peeps of cyber realm...

I've been really busy of late. Too busy, and not just physically. By that I mean my mind has been dogged by angst over all the things I need to do, may have to do, have forgotten to do for others, or those that I haven't remembered to do yet but that I know sit in the ether, waiting for me to walk through their vapour and re-remember them.

So, amongst this frenzy of emotions, besides being really tired and embarrassingly emotional most of the time, I sat down for 2 days recently to make these...


They're around 10cm tall, with crocheted bodies and hand made outfits. I put a lot of work into both of these ladies, and now I have to send them off to their respective new owners. I had a deadline of today to send them away to their new owners, so this was adding to my pressures and worry. But that's okay, as I'm part of an craft swap group and I will receive two in return. My two art dolls were a labour of love and I'm sad to let them go but then it's also lovely to send them to others who enjoy similar crafts.

Anything arty or crafty is a real life saver for me when I'm harbouring more negativity than usual. If anxiety's not at the fore of my thoughts, it's sitting in the background waiting to pounce on any happiness I may be having. Of late I have deteriorated in mental health, which is very disconcerting for me so to bury myself in crafty pursuits lifts me up and helps me keep afloat, not get consumed by my thoughts.

I hope you too can find something that keeps you afloat, or even lifts you up so high that you can easily soar with spirits. Remember to keep it simple, do it with kindness and care, and remember to enjoy what you have made.

Kind, gentle hugs to you all.
Dayle

Keeping it Local...

Dear readers, yesterday I was on a mission!

I acquired a used and rather dejected electric spinning wheel that needed parts repaired or replaced. So, living in a smallish regional town, I decided to keep to local shops as much as I could. Essentially I was trying to stay away from the larger one-stop-shop warehouse style stores.

The result? I got everything I needed, which was fantastic. Granted I had to go to eight different stores (including the big impersonal hardware monster store, I'm afraid, but only as last resort!), but it was actually kinda fun. Every person in a local store that I dealt with was extremely helpful. Where they couldn't provide me with a product they knew which other stores in the local area may be able to. The communal spirit was really great to see. But when I went to the big monster store the help I got was from a nice 'rep' from a hardware company that was checking stock in his section. The usual staff member was 'in the middle of something' - no, not helping another customer but doing electronic stock take. I hate to stereotype, but today I really could. The service was crap!!

Despite my successful hunt for parts I managed to misplace a segment of what's called a 'nitty noddy' somewhere on my journey. Luckily I found it outside one of the shops! Completely salvageable! Here's a picture of an electric spinning wheel that looks kind of like mine...

I haven't taken photos of mine as yet. But last night I gave spinning wool on it a go and it wasn't easy to adjust to! No foot brake to start with and the tension vs speed juggling was rather difficult. Will take some getting used to before I consider spinning anything precious on it.

At the end of the day, my goal was to support local business. I'm glad I could, as being in a regional area there are a lot fewer choices for sourcing products or services. So, where you can, support local businesses. It's good for the communal soul.

Hugs

Dayle

A Bit of a Larf...

Hey there dear people of cyber space.
I've decided to show you some silly things I've come across recently.

So, first off is a coffee I got when out for a cuppa with a gorgeous buddy of mine. I like to think they were attempting a heart, but it looks more like a bum. Bum coffee...

See? It's a bum!! I just love being mooned by my own cappucino.

Next on the list of silly things I've come across recently is this interesting sign in another cafe. I had no idea umbrellas could be wayward, remiss or mysterious!!!

This note was stuck low down on the wall of the cafe. So, was it a message to really short people not to forget their umbrellas? And where do umbrellas go? Is there an umbrella underground for them, kind of like Fight Club where umbrellas get those injuries we see in them, like the stitching holding it taut coming undone, a bent prong, or simply broken & upended in a rubbish bin. So that's how they get there!! Hmmm. Devious things, umbrellas.

Okay, next on the list of silly things is a BARGAIN of a price label I got from a recently opened store. This store sells crafty stuff....

Wow, great savings at their opening sale! SOMEBODY HOLD ME BACK!!

Okay, I'm being sarcastic. But hey, I'm way too observant for my own good.

Now, this next sign is from a kitchen drawer of some friends of mine. At the time this was taken they were a couple living in the house. Just two people, not a boat load, so I'm not sure why such an elaborate note. What I don't understand about this picture is why the can opener is such a darn rebel!!! Heheheh.

The guy who wrote this is a Mac computer geek. Perhaps he was channelling a helpdesk to write this beauty.

The final silly picture has a strange logic to it, albeit a bit barbaric. But I love it anyway. It's on the side of an old bank...

Yes, it says underneath: Save Animals Eat Vegans. Again, the logic here is rather twisted, but at the very least it challenges our thinking - get outside the square to solve a problem. Obviously there's ethics & legalities in lopping vegans off at the ankles, but still, lateral thinking is not so common these days, so I love it when I see it.

Peace out from this "social anthropologist".
Dayle

Moody Moody Moods...

Geez I hate it when my mood darkens beyond what I regard as a typical range of emotions. When it darkens to where I feel like my heart is sinking into mud and my mood is shrouded in negativity.

As I've said before, my mind is a saboteur. A strange entity that is clearly not happy when I AM!

One day I decided a mood meter might help. A bit of silliness amongst the intensity that having depression and anxiety can bring. It's also a way to remind me that I will get better and that the mood meter doesn't have to be stuck at the lowest setting. I can and will rise out of the misery. Basically, don't give up.

So, here it is:


Feel free to copy (for personal use only) and use it to mark how you feel, or where you know in your heart you will be, once the darker mood you're feeling passes.

Cheers

Dayle

The Talk of My Life....

Hey there.
Recently I was asked to speak about my journal at a Mental Health Awareness Week function. I was mostly okay leading up to this, having worked out generally what I was going to say, but not reading directly from a written speech. Anyway, I arrived at what I thought would be a fairly subdued, simple civil reception and there must've been 200 or so people there!!! EEEEEEK!! I had a mini melt down whilst trying to stay calm, not throw up, and avoid drinking too much wine on an empty and very nervous stomach.

After some awards were given out to wonderfully deserving people, both dealing with mental illness and working with or caring for those who do, a man called James McLure rose to speak. He was the main speech of the night having released a book containing his journey into and through schizophrenia. An inspiring guy who went on a rather spiritual journey into this very misunderstood illness. I thought it was mostly a dark journey, however James' appeared to be rather uplifting for him, albeit a false height, from which he did eventually fall. He was so open about his experience and wanting to help others with mental health issues, so it was a real privilege to be sharing my journey with James.

I spoke next. I was hoping for a more intimate audience (read this as smaller, less intimidating!), which wasn't helped by having to stand behind a lecturn that felt so far away from the audience and talk into a microphone. Anyway, I got through my speech okay. I think I made a connection with some people, which is really lovely, as a few came up to me afterwards and offer their empathy with my experience with anxiety and depression, or my journal's purpose, or want to buy one then & there. This was an amazing boost to my confidence, for which I'm really grateful.

Later that evening, I was lying in bed scribbling in my journal with my favourite pens. I felt so emotional about the evening, so much more connected with the purpose of my own work, my little journal for self nurturing, that I drew this:


All of this is so poignant! My comment of: "a tear is a fear being let go" surprised even myself the more I thought about how much it meant. I'm typically a fearful & anxious person and what I hadn't realised at the time of drawing this is that I'd finally given myself permission to let go of the fear I had of my book failing. The comment below it (let it flow...) is based on a tool I use to help me to let go of worries that nag me. A few years a go I adapted the Christmas carol "Let it snow" where I just sing the chorus as "Let it go, let it go, let it go" instead. Let go of the nagging worry, the incessant doubts, rumination and fear. But for this night, it became "Let it flow, let it flow, let it FLOW". This to me meant not only that I could let my tears flow and hence let my fears go, but also let my bursting creativity and confidence out, flowing onto paper and into my life wholeheartedly, without worrying about rejection or failure. Creativity, colour and vibrancy are such a part of who I am so it was wonderful to be able to articulate this in a kind of spiritual way on paper, and within my beloved journal creation.

So, next time you cry see it as self nurture where letting go is both liberating and kind to your heart & soul.

Hugs,

Dayle

SNAKE!!!

It's early Spring...

The weather's really warming up, flowers are blooming, my feet aren't cold on the wooden floors any more, the cats are sunning themselves outside wherever they can....

Then there's the end of hybernation for all the snakes! Last Thursday night there was a 3 metre python in our neighbour's front yard, within a few metres of ours. I don't hate snakes, but I'm scared of them. I'm very understanding of how challenging it must be for animals caught up in suburbia, trying to survive and procreate without getting killed by us humans. But when there's one right in our area that I know can kill my kitties, or our chickens, or strangle me from behind whilst watching TV, or dislocate its jaw and swallow me whole as I'm in a deep slumber... (Cue: gloomy undertone of nervous music in background to create dread and suspense.) Yep. My imagination runs away from me. Even the little lizards can't make a move in the rustling leaves of our garden beds without me going all girly and "eeky" thinking it's the KILLER PYTHON WITH FANGS OF STEEL. It reminded me of a lyrical poem I wrote not that long about snakeskin. It's 'lyrical' because in my mind when I recite it there's a very clear, blockbuster movie style, backing track......

Snake skin, lying in my way

Drying under hot sun, messing up my day.

It lies there like a beacon, reminding me that pain

Is all about the misery and nothing left to gain.

It’s a…

Snake skin, its owner has moved out

Fucking little creature, how dare you shed your doubt.

You leave me here with your past

Rotting on the ground,

Like the past is nothing, no lessons to be found.

It’s a…

Snake skin, its owner's far from here.

Leaving skin to rot, and me with all my fear.

I'm pretty big on metaphors or symbols, so writing this poem not only highlighted a certain anxiety in me about snakes but also about life and worrying as much as I can about the 'what ifs'. We all do that, I think. But when it becomes all consuming it can leave you rather detached from what is going on around you now. I have spent a lot of time living in the future or deep in the past. I now realise that I have much to offer the present. Now. And I have much to gain from slowing down and appreciating the joys and stimulation that frequently surround me.

At this moment, the sun is getting close to setting, so it's all large and orange and beautifully glowing over the town my house is perched up the hill from. The window to my playroom is open and birds are chirping in all their different tunes. Hubby has just pulled up in the car, having finished his working day. We're having felafels for dinner. Yummm... Such wonderful, pleasant thoughts.

Love, warmth & light,

Dayle

Active Meditation - "Mindfulness" in Action

I have found over the past few years that some activities I enjoy are actually quite meditative. By this I mean that I can become very relaxed and peaceful just by doing them, my mind is untroubled, my body isn't as tense, and I generally feel lovely doing that activity.

For example, gardening. Basic weeding and cutting back of overgrown plants can be a great way to relax the mind, whilst not having to sit still and 'try' and clear your mind - a typical perception of the more passive style of meditation. (Not always true, by the way.)

Often I notice the little things, just walking through the garden. Like this:

This is a Ceylon spinach plant vine in my back yard, taking the opportunity to attach itself to the nearest object.

Another form of active meditation for me is spinning yarn, which is so lovely as I let the spinning action of the yarn twist and grab hold of each bunch of loose fibres I hold in my hand. The rhythmic & gentle pumping of the treddle to turn the wheel creates, for me, a kind of rocking and soothing motion that lulls me into a wonderfully peaceful place....

This is my spinning wheel, and that's Meg in the background, my 'middle child'. The odd looking stuff I'm spinning is actually a mixture of all sorts of fibres, bits of yarn, fabric & even cotton balls, created in what's called a fibre sandwich. Creating this mix of 'stuff to spin' is also actively meditative, as a few of us at my craft group got together and added a variety of spinable items into a layered pile, then segmented it all for each of us to take away and spin or felt. We all stood around the edges of the layers, moving around, adding bits here and there and generally enjoying the process of creating somethin very new and original! The final product from my spinning is this, a crocheted bowl:

I've nick named it 'Carnival Carnage' - it's a bit of a dog's brekky, but for me it was about learning something new, not necessarily about the prettiness of it. I love it, by the way! It's a downright frenzy of textures and colours and I MADE IT MYSELF!

I'm sure if we all look at the simple things in life that create a calmness we hadn't really noticed before, perhaps we might learn to see them as little saviours each day. They help us to keep our feet on the ground, not let the complexities of life win over our sanity, and they are good for our sense of self, oneness. That's important, because we find that our true selves, without the layers of externalities like impressions, expectations, obligations and general material elements of day to day living, are really quite peaceful, and thrive on opportunities to feel that calmness.

So, take a walk around your garden and notice the lovely things, sit in a park and watch the birds or the people coming & going, or the ripples on a river or shore, and let your mind just float...

Journalling Journeys

My book is finally printed! Yay!! I'm so happy and exhilarated (and a bit scared). Over two years of designing, creating, readjusting, proofreading and finalising has culminated in my book called Self Nurture Journal. I'm very proud of how it's turned out. The book bridges the gap between many self-help books (of which I have way too many - not sure if I've read them all either) and that blank journal page that I know I've stared at and felt daunted by. I mean, I know writing's good for me. Self expression is a great release, but a pristine lined page can mean I feel like I need to write like a sophisticated, articulate human super creature, rather than just writing as me. And what about those blank journals we often buy because they look pretty then we keep them on the shelf instead of using them, so they've become ornamental dust collectors!

There's this range of divinely ornate journals out at the moment, adorned with gold, and intricately embossed covers, some with quotes from classic novels on the covers, others with ancient symbols & historical designs. Very elaborate and beautiful. So, before we even get to the pages in between we are confronted with an intimidating perfection that leaves us feeling pale in comparison.

Not all of us are like this, but I have met a lot of people who are. We can spend so much time living up to the expectations we place on ourselves or think that others place on us that we lose sight of what we want or need. It's like there's a chameleon in all of us. You know, at the end of the day the pages in between these fancy journals are just simple, white, lined sheets.

So, here's the front cover of my book:

I've done the illustrations myself, with the tree on the front being very poignant - it's self-nurturing! My book has been made to be accessible - by this I mean I've kept it in a format that's not too daunting and that invites people to explore themselves and life's issues that challenge them. I've included prompts and inspiration on the writing pages so people can feel like they're being asked kind and caring questions by a personal friend who will listen attentively, never judge, and will let the writer express her or himself freely. I've even had the copies of my book spiral bound so it sits flat, is easier for left and right handers, and the pages can be folded behind to make it easier to draw or write. I'd love people to use the book to learn to journal, to find some value in journalling, and to see value in taking the time to journal regularly.

This book's been created with a lot of love and understanding of human frailty, so I hope it can help others. I've done a lot of informal research to keep the book as grounded and accessible as I can, with the prompts being open to your personal interpretation - you make of them what you wish.

So, there you have it. My book is born in all it's simplicity and openness. Yay!! :P

Dayle

The Saboteur...

I'm going to be very blunt this post, so please read on, but understand it may be too intense for some...

I have a condition called Generalised Anxiety Disorder, along with an unkind dose of depression. Basically, I worry and fret a lot, feeling mostly anxious in some form. It could be about something I've done that I think may have upset someone (with or without proof), or something that may happen no matter how slim the chance may be, or something I feel I should have done or done better. I can become very distressed and overwhelmed by new situations, or whilst dealing with fairly simple pressures such as juggling public transport, driving in moderate to heavy traffic, shopping at the supermarket, in a not very challenging job, waiting in a queue, in large crowds, when I'm cold with no way to warm up in the short term, trying to find something I've misplaced, paying bills, and generally dealing with unexpected events.

I battle with this daily, if not hourly, and it can often be very debilitating. I suffer the most/worst when working, as I feel inadequate for very little reason and this then consumes me as I see more and more in the faces of those around me that perhaps they're just tolerating me, don't think much of me at all because I am weak. This may or may not be the case, and I guess it's the uncertainty that eats away at my self esteem. I then start to beat myself up mentally - I feel sick, miserable, very disappointed in myself and too emotional to keep a poker face. I usually end up teary, emotional and it's very embarrassing.

When it comes to social situations, I suffer similar feelings when meeting new people, however, my career isn't dependent on it. Unfortunately, though, my self confidence takes a massive blow from that oppressive feeling my mind generates, for no justifiable reason, that I'm just being tolerated, or that people would rather be elsewhere than listening/talking to me.

And my husband - bless him - is such a wonderfully easy going person, but he also feels very helpless on occasions when I'm in a blubbering mess on the couch, totally overwhelmed by feelings of absolute hopelessness, despondency. He wants to help me, heal me so much. This is lovely, but also very hard for me to deal with, as my mind messes with this and decides that I am much more of a burden on him than he should have to put up with. So, who should have to put up with the pits of despair I often end up in?

So, I have a saboteur inside me. No one else is doing this to me, so why would I do this to myself? Basically I do not choose to be like this, nor would I wish this sort of constant and enduring trauma, distres and sense of devastation on anybody else. I even get chest pains that can be very scary, as I feell ike I'm having a heart attack. They can last for hours. I've been checked out and my heart seems fine, however, it's still very scary, which adds to the panic and reinforces the chest pain = vicious circle.

One thing I realise is that I seem to want to prepare myself for whatever may come my way, particularly something that may shock or scare me, that is, any sort of bad news. I have to have control over something and be prepared, as I feel I have no control, that I am at the mercy of anything and everything that may come my way.

What often helps me is using very loud (literally and figuratively) self-reasoning (eg. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), bawling my eyes out then sleeping for a few hours, seeing a counsellor, medication that I can raise or lower to help with my fluctuating distress, and escapism or distraction (egs. music, arty crafty activities, mindless TV, chatting with friends or family, surfing fun stuff online). It works about 70% of the time, if I have the opportunity to use it when I most need it. When I don't, this is where self-destructive activities can surface - these are primarily excessive alcohol, or actual self harm to break the hold the distress has on me. I hardly ever take my frustration out on others, I turn it in on myself. For example, I have this 'logic' that I am so dysfunctional that life in general is just too much, and I probably should have died before I was born, like some foetuses do that have a drastic physical abnormality. Extreme I know. But this is how my brain sabotages my outlook on life.

I have battled this for most of my life, with my first proper diagnosis of a panic attack at age 16. Twenty years, it's been. I hate what I endure and I hate the lack of assurity that I will ever improve and be able to hold a proper job, have a relaxed social life, or do the simple things again without such debilitating distress. I also hate the thought that I may have to put up with this for the next 40 or so years.

I do have a few theories about my situation:

1. That I have a predisposition to anxiety - supersensitivity, guilt, excessive worry, rumination - which then gets combined with my extroverted personality. Basically I inherited much of my excessive anxiety. I can see it in my Mum, and my grandfather was a constant worrier. They say it can be up to 50% genetic. :(
   
2. That I perhaps did not mature in certain parts of my brain. For example, I've watched how anxious toddlers and young children can be when put in uncertain situations, and I wondered if a part of me remained immature. I cry way too easily when distressed, which is often. I also "bounce back" quite quickly after reaching the depths of the misery. Sometimes within minutes.
   
3. That many people, such as myself, have an effective "allergy" to the pace and intensity of modern society. That is, oversensitisation to a massive amount of stimuli along with consumerist pressures, a lack of strong community connection and support, and the battle to gain financial security for the present and future. (Egs. Wanting our humble home paid off by retirement age so we don't have big debts when on a lowly pension; or competing with so many others for temporary or short term jobs when there is also so little job security and loyalty from employers.)

Thanks for reading this post. I know that what I have spoken about in this blog is quite deep and may be challenging to some, but I also hope that others, who also suffer with distressing anxiety, feel much more understood and less alone.

Dayle
XXX