Recently I was asked to speak about my journal at a Mental Health Awareness Week function. I was mostly okay leading up to this, having worked out generally what I was going to say, but not reading directly from a written speech. Anyway, I arrived at what I thought would be a fairly subdued, simple civil reception and there must've been 200 or so people there!!! EEEEEEK!! I had a mini melt down whilst trying to stay calm, not throw up, and avoid drinking too much wine on an empty and very nervous stomach.
After some awards were given out to wonderfully deserving people, both dealing with mental illness and working with or caring for those who do, a man called James McLure rose to speak. He was the main speech of the night having released a book containing his journey into and through schizophrenia. An inspiring guy who went on a rather spiritual journey into this very misunderstood illness. I thought it was mostly a dark journey, however James' appeared to be rather uplifting for him, albeit a false height, from which he did eventually fall. He was so open about his experience and wanting to help others with mental health issues, so it was a real privilege to be sharing my journey with James.
I spoke next. I was hoping for a more intimate audience (read this as smaller, less intimidating!), which wasn't helped by having to stand behind a lecturn that felt so far away from the audience and talk into a microphone. Anyway, I got through my speech okay. I think I made a connection with some people, which is really lovely, as a few came up to me afterwards and offer their empathy with my experience with anxiety and depression, or my journal's purpose, or want to buy one then & there. This was an amazing boost to my confidence, for which I'm really grateful.
Later that evening, I was lying in bed scribbling in my journal with my favourite pens. I felt so emotional about the evening, so much more connected with the purpose of my own work, my little journal for self nurturing, that I drew this:
All of this is so poignant! My comment of: "a tear is a fear being let go" surprised even myself the more I thought about how much it meant. I'm typically a fearful & anxious person and what I hadn't realised at the time of drawing this is that I'd finally given myself permission to let go of the fear I had of my book failing. The comment below it (let it flow...) is based on a tool I use to help me to let go of worries that nag me. A few years a go I adapted the Christmas carol "Let it snow" where I just sing the chorus as "Let it go, let it go, let it go" instead. Let go of the nagging worry, the incessant doubts, rumination and fear. But for this night, it became "Let it flow, let it flow, let it FLOW". This to me meant not only that I could let my tears flow and hence let my fears go, but also let my bursting creativity and confidence out, flowing onto paper and into my life wholeheartedly, without worrying about rejection or failure. Creativity, colour and vibrancy are such a part of who I am so it was wonderful to be able to articulate this in a kind of spiritual way on paper, and within my beloved journal creation.
So, next time you cry see it as self nurture where letting go is both liberating and kind to your heart & soul.
Hugs,
Dayle
