The rawness of it all ....

Hey there.

Recently a person close to me told me that I had been upsetting them in a number of ways. They revealed this only after I noticed that they were clearly reducing contact with me and conversations were getting thinner, cooler. So asked them if I had done something wrong - I was not prepared at all for the response I got.

I won't go into details, but to sum it all up I had been judgemental, interfering, comparing myself to them, not supportive, and my moving so far away from them hurt them. It was a big, harsh, slap in the face for me to know I had caused that much grief. So why would this person want to continue to be friends with me after all I've done to them? To be honest, I'm not sure. But I know that right now I am not feeling like I've received the 'greater message' from this experience. I feel more than ever very angry with myself for being.... well, myself.

I am constantly at war with who I am. This is due to a 'delightful' combination of the following:

• Generalised Anxiety Disorder
• Depression
• A strong sense of humour
• Vibrant extroversion
• Being a sensitive soul
• Intelligence, and
• Poor verbal brakes, or 'foot-in-mouth disease'.

The last one means I often say the wrong thing - perceived or actual - and spend a nice little chunk of my life in damage control, worrying about what I may have done, what I did do, and whether I have blown the friendship with the person.

If only I got exercise from all the ducking and weaving I do in my life, I'd be buff as can be! But seriously, if only I could get a stronger grip of my social reins and be able to just enjoy myself when in the company of friends. After all, they matter to me, so why should I hurt them? Is unintentional a good enough excuse?

How do I toughen up? You know, I bought a cheap cowboy hat a few months ago, nick named it 'Gusto the Great' and vowed to wear it a lot, to give me social confidence. I've never worn it outside of the house, because I have never felt worthy of it or that it might give me too much gusto and I say the wrong thing!! Silly, huh.

So I'm working on my toughness, rein pulling, and social graces ....and juggling saucepans, and tap-dancing one legged, and speaking Swahili backwards, and balancing an ice-cream on my nose, and building a dog trapeze, and....... (heehee!!!)