Friday, December 02, 2011

Dentinia the Evil Tooth Fairy

Hey there.

I wrote this fractured fairytale for my work's Christmas party. There were all sorts of great costumes for this theme, such as "S&M" Queens, cross dressing Snow Whites, punk smurfs, and "Malices in Wonderland". Great fun. Here's a piccie of me and hubby all dressed up for the party. He's a Fairy Godfather, of course....



And here's the story I wrote for the fairytale competition. Enjoy!

Dentinia the Evil Tooth Fairy

"Dentinia was once a sweet, innocent tooth fairy, flying around, collecting baby teeth from little darlings and leaving behind gold coins, gift certificates, and pre-paid mobile phone credit vouchers. Then one day, the service was privatised and expanded into a wholesaler of teeth who sold them for authentic looking dentures, ground calcium for vitamin pills, and the small rattling sound in cheap plastic toys.

So with 90% overseas ownership, budget cuts (including the coffee. WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!), a company board full of stuffy ex-private school knobs, and shareholders moonlighting as grey nomads, pressure to meet daily targets pushed Dentinia over the edge!! Dentinia snapped like a loose tooth in a toffee apple. For a while drinking and gambling took the pain away. Yeahhhhh!! Clocking off at 4am she'd head to the 24 hour pokies venue, have a midori, soda and green tea (a fairy cocktail known as "Fairy's Wee") and assume the 'pokie zombie' pose.


And if management's tightarse approach to "fairy resources" wasn't enough to drive the poor fairies to stealing single socks out of washing machines and driers, the kids these days were getting cheeky. One little girl woke up, saw Dentinia and demanded more money than that "shitty dollar you think will actually buy something these days". The brat went on to say her Dad's a dentist and he earns lots of money. She knows what teeth are worth, blah blah, whine whine. So, after torturing the girl by threatening to dismember Justin Bieber until she promised to take the dollar coin and go the **** to sleep, Dentinia was hit with the perfect plan. Why stop at baby teeth. Why not diversify and set up a little side affair for herself. GOLD TEETH.

Unlike the other pooncy fairies, who often got knocked and bruised by pedestal fans, flying Wii remotes, and random farts from overstuffed humans, Dentinia was tough. She had an extensive tool collection and she knew how to use it: Dental equipment (for HORSES!), angle grinders and mega-drills, spring loaded g-clamps for 'difficult clients', pliers of all shapes and sizes, and an industrial supply of Novocaine Forte. And not only that, she realised she had an acute sense of smell that could detect the odour of gold reacting with halitosis from a mile away, turning her into a salivating, twitching wreck: she had become an aurophile. Addicted to gold, Gold, GOLD!!!!!!

At first she would target people who slept with their mouths open especially, because their snoring provided the perfect cover for Dentinia's angle grinder to loosen that precious gold tooth. But since she'd developed a three ounce a day gold habit (snorted, smoked, rolled, injected, suppositories, cooked in brownies - you name it...), she needed MORE!!


No one is safe from the voracious gold fever that has possessed this once adorable petal of a fairy. She's gone mad with lust for a precious metal and will stop at nothing, NOTHING to satisfy her hunger. So, watch out. Dentinia's gonna getcha!!! MWUHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!
(Tell that one to yer kids, I dare ya!!)"

Festive cheers to you all!!

Lotsa love,
Dayle

3 comments:

  1. I wonder if private health insurance would cover the cost of Dentinia nicking teeth? Nah - who would believe you?

    Hubby is looking more and more like Don Corleone every day!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dentinia should be able to get away with just about anything with the mafia on her side! Lol

    ReplyDelete

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